I had a rough day yesterday. It kinda, really sucked actually.
The night before, I was prepping to speak at an event for over 100 people for the following night. I was tapping into what I felt my team needed from me and what came to me was that I needed to speak about the GIFT that negative emotions can bring us if we are open to looking at them... I mean truly look at them. …and then yesterday happened. I kept feeling all these negative emotions! WHAT?!?! How can I serve this amazing group of men and women today if I am feeling this right now?
And then it hit me…
...it almost smack dabbed me right upside the head, it was so clear: “If I'm going to serve people, if I'm going to have my soul rise in order to speak in front of these beautiful people, some sh!te had to get out of the way so I can truly show up for them. I mean REALLY show up for them. It was like a Birthday package came down from the sky. Oh, not the one wrapped in the pretty packaging tied up with strings. No, this one was more like the package you get from your beautiful, well-meaning child. The one that is all crumpled up and looks like the postal service kicked it, sat on it, and crumpled it up just for you. But inside... oh, but inside was the most beautiful and soulful gift you could ever find anywhere. Before I go into some of these emotions, I want to share the words I wrote the night before as I was preparing.
“I AM NOTHING.
I used to believe that I was somebody. I FOUGHT to be somebody. I YEARNED to be somebody. Yet, every time someone came who was smarter, I felt dumb. Whenever someone came who was prettier, I felt ugly. If someone came who was more successful, I felt a failure. I tried so hard to be somebody. And then I thought I was:
I was a singer to a crowd of thousands. I was somebody. Until I wasn’t. Someone who sang more gently like I’ve always wanted to, came along. ...And then I wasn't.
I was the first top rank in my company in my whole country! I was somebody! Until I wasn’t.
I was a great friend, until they also had another friend too. ...And then I wasn’t.
I was a great mom, until my daughter’s friend’s mom was cooler, more softer, more present, more fun, more this, more that… And then I wasn’t.
What will it take? What will it take for us to truly realize that we are everything. And we are nothing. I’m reading Brene Brown’s book calling "Braving the Wilderness"; I haven’t read the whole thing yet, I'm about half way through. My soul was excited to hear her talk about the very thing that finally makes me feel peace. She quotes Maya Angelou: "You belong no place-you belong every place – no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great." Brene is talking about what my soul coach has been telling me!! I AM NOTHING!!! There is no peace like the peace you feel when you meditate and you repeat, I am nothing. It’s like the second I speak these words, the power of my soul rises!! WHY IS THIS?! Because we try so hard to be something. We are all looking to be something. But we already are. We already do. We are nothing. Our soul is everything.”
How many people here can raise their voice and tell me that they feel it’s important to be somebody? How many of you have always tried to be somebody? To your mom, to your dad, to your siblings, to your grandparents, to your kids, to your boss...
What if you never changed? What if you were not pretty? What if you were not good-looking?. What if you were not funny? What if you didn’t have a nice body. What if you were not successful? What if you were not good enough for anyone? Who would you be if you were never enough of what you wanted to be?
I had to ask myself this question yesterday as the feelings of non-importance, guilt, frustration, confusion, and abandonment started to rise within me. If there's one thing my soul coach, Sandy Alemian, has taught me, it's to look at the gift in the emotion. Yes, even the negative emotion.
From the book, "Braving the Wilderness";
"It is easier to hate (or be angry) than to acknowledge and lean into our pain… Most of us were not taught how to recognize pain, name it, and be with it. Our families and culture believed that the vulnerability that it takes to acknowledge pain was weakness, so we were taught anger, rage and denial instead. But what we know now is that when we deny our emotion, it owns us. When we own our emotion, we can rebuild and find our way through the pain"
So, how DO you find the gift?
1. It's all about asking questions of it. When you do this, you own the emotion rather than the emotion owning you. Which questions do you ask? I've learned that you can't find the answer in the present. No matter how many men and women I talk with, the negative emotion, although triggered in the today, always has its root cause in the child. Do you feel angry? Are you angry because of what THEY did or are you angry because of how what they did makes you feel? Usually anger is your cry for justice for how it made you feel. It's the mask talked about in Brene's above quote. What about sadness? Do you feel sad? Are you sad because of what they did or because of how it made you feel? Did it make you feel rejected? Abandoned?
2. The second series of questions is always to ask where you FIRST felt this feeling of rejection or abandonment. You didn't start fearing rejection or abandonment out of the blue last week for the first time. Someone…something… taught you this. There are many exercises to take you to the beginning. Some feel the beginning at age six, some at age two, some even in the womb.
3. Wherever the root cause, it is important to go back to THAT little girl or boy and let them know they were never abandoned. They were always, and forever will be, loved. They had everything inside of them they needed, they just were never taught they were already enough, they were already perfect, they are nothing, they are everything. & It's why I am so grateful for yesterday. As I moved through asking these questions of my own negative emotions. I leaned into the truth that I was no more being abandoned now than I was as a little girl. Though actions around us, to us, at us, or away from us appear to cause these emotions to arise, it couldn't be farther from the truth. It is not easy to find the answers on when and where it all stemmed from and what to do with it once we find it. One thing I do know, it's worth putting in the beautiful energy to find out.
When I started this “asking,” there was a LOT of asking! I had a LOT of negative emotion that I didn’t even realize was something to look at! As I moved toward more and more healing and still do to this day, there is fewer and farther between. My hope for you is that you know you are nothing; that you are everything.
By the time I arrived at my speaking event, I felt as though my soul was ready. I had shifted and moved out all of the emotions that distracted me from who I truly was. I felt as though my soul led me that night.
I can’t tell you the peace I feel when I meditate and repeat the words, I am nothing. I am a soul who owns this RawMama. She is a mess sometimes and can’t find her beauty. But it’s there when she asks. It’s there when she stops trying so hard. It’s there when she comes into the awareness that she is, and always will be, everything she ever needed to be. Just. As. You. Are.
Brene Brown interviews Viola Davis’ in her book, this last quote goes to Viola's Acting Coach,
“GO FURTHER. DON’T BE AFRAID. PUT IT ALL OUT THERE. DON’T LEAVE ANYTHING ON THE FLOOR.”
Can’t WAIT to read the rest of this book!